Welcome to MotherHOOD

I’m a MUVA, the ghetto that was pregnancy and the revolution was televised.

Jul 15, 2024

Hey strangers!

It's been a while and I must say I'm feeling a little rusty, I haven't posted a newsletter in a few months and so much in my life has changed. The biggest change has been becoming a mother to the most beautiful baby boy who arrived fashionably late on May 18th. My birth experience was not what I had planned and whilst I was repeatedly told throughout my pregnancy that I should be open to an unexpected birth, I didn't expect that I would be welcoming my baby via a caesarean section.

Regardless I smile as I write this because I have been truly blessed to experience the gift of motherhood. The gift has come with unexpected, painful and tiring surprises, all of which I want to share with you because...boy oh boy, it's been something. If I had a pound coin for every time I've said "Nobody told me about that" in response to a pregnancy/postpartum experience I would be planning my trip around the world with my son, not cutting the enjoyment to save money for when statutory maternity pay kicks in. I digress, today is not the day for sharing, we're just catching up, we'll leave the nitty gritty for another day.

During pregnancy, I worried so much about what motherhood would be like especially not having my mum here. Whilst it has presented its challenges it has also been the most amazing fulfilling edifying and glorious experience of my life and I say that on a Sunday morning with a snoring baby who refused to sleep last night but somehow is still managing to summon the strength to grip me up by my t-shirt & demand to be held on my chest. Pregnancy was not an enjoyable experience for me, I know some women absolutely love it and I must admit I felt robbed by month three when I realised this was not my story. I felt as though something may be wrong with me and I had enormous guilt but thanks to family, friends & an incredible village I was able to settle into the reality of my feelings and now I can confidently say without feeling guilty that pregnancy was ghetto for me, I did not enjoy it and I don't miss my bump in the slightest. More on that another day.

Almost two months postpartum and I find myself amid the greatest transition I've ever had to make, every day I'm learning new things about myself, my limitations, strengths, and weaknesses. It's as though I've taken a magnifying glass to my life and there is nowhere to hide. It's dirty work, however, the transition didn't start when my baby arrived, it started on the day I found out I was expecting. Questions I had always asked myself suddenly became even more important. "What type of mother do I want to be?" "What type of woman do I want to be for myself and for my child?", "What behaviours have got to go?". It was perfect timing that the week after I had found out I was expecting, I started sessions with a new (incredible) therapist. I had planned for the space to be somewhere I could explore my experience with grief and my current position but God is the biggest comedian, He is always on time. I was thinking small and therapy ended up being so much more than that for me. I continued to see her weekly throughout my pregnancy and we explored themes such as grief, identity, my romantic relationship, and my experience as a black woman. She opened a bag full of resentment I was holding onto, shoved it (softly) into my face & gave me no choice but to confront it. I went to war for 41 weeks and whilst healing is an ongoing work, something shifted in me. There's a scripture that says "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me" (1 Corinthians 13:11) This chapter called me to put so many childish things behind me, it called me to forgive, to consider how I handled situations in the past, it made me want to be a better person for myself and for my son. “A better person”, hmm what does that even mean? Its vague, but it meant something to me and the pursuit continues.

If you've been here for awhile, you would have heard me mention one of the most incredible things about my mum was that she lived multiple lives in one, she changed careers more times than I can count, she tried new things, she travelled to different places and she wasn't afraid to pivot and flow with life particularly when the environment required her to. The pregnancy test gave me two faint lines and life said "Mik, PIVOT" and after a phone call to my friend, a hurried drive from Essex to North London and a couple of poorly timed jokes, I got comfortable with what pivot meant in my story. Well, I'm getting comfortable.

I decided to do what I do best, I wrote about it and through it. 41 weeks, 60+ letters addressed to the baby that was growing inside of me documenting everything, and when I say everything, I mean everything. The good, the bad and the ugly. Of course, I am biased, but I believe it is the best body of work I've ever written because I had no intention of it ever being seen by anybody but me. I wrote from the heart, for the heart. I’ve been encouraged and supported to share what I'm currently naming “Letters to my unborn” and I'm honestly so excited for you to read it. Pregnancy and pre-motherhood were something that nobody could have prepared me for, and life also blew up (or came together) in so many unexpected and painful ways during the same timeframe. It was a lot but I’m so grateful that this revolution was televised. As I spend the next few weeks finishing up, editing and perfecting artwork, I'm back here posting newsletters every fortnight (lol il do my best). I can't guarantee what the content will be but I promise to bring as much of myself as I can. I look forward to sharing this next chapter with you.

Love from Mik x

P.S. My VILLAGE. My VILLAGE. They say it takes a village and I'm living in the glory of what that truly means. Nothing, and I mean nothing would have been possible without the loved ones who have taken care of me. I'm not surprised because I have an amazing support, but I am incredible grateful and humbled.